thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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