I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
