i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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