Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
how does that bad decision feel?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
