you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
