Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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