I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
