Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
