his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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