Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Pooping to opera.
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