mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
