Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
