I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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