I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
