According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
