So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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