is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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