Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
