she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
