Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
