Soap is not a condiment
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
