i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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