Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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