So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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