Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
