to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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