I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
