I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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