did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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