why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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