K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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