I could make wine with my vomit
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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