Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
