Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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