please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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