It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
