im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
