So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
