The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
