when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
