Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
