I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
