I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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