There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
