i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
