I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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