what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
