Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
