"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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