mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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