the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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