its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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